Here’s the hate on Cohorts.
I don’t hate yuppies. I don’t hate finance guys. My of my friends fall into these categories and I am fine with that. Today, I am going to hate on very specific niche of yuppies that I refer to as “cohorts.” Let me explain to you exactly what I mean when I say “cohorts.”
They have the this name because they never ever, under any circumstance go any where in a group less than 10. When they go to bars on Thursday nights, they move in packs. At times they hide the fact that they are in a herd to throw you off. This is seen most often while standing at the bar ordering what you think is going to be one drink. The typical “cohort” will then turn around to a group that you hadn’t seen when and yells something along the lines “yo, how many of yous want Jager bombs.” What appeared to be a 30 second process between your and your libation is now a huge affair. That includes a group of them squeezing in to this small space in front of you, talking too loud, in very thick accents, and calling their own members of the pack either a “pussy” or a homophobic slur because he would rather talk to a young woman than backslap and drink Jager with his platoon. They may each even order another drink.
This is how they mark their territory. Once they have determined that the bar is now theirs based on the group consumption of Jager, they now must take charge of the juke box. It doesn’t matter if the bar you are in is usually is rock, punk or country leaning… prepare yourself for $17 worth of 50 Cent, TI or anything that features TPain. Until their songs begin to come on, they will continue to discuss how every single song that comes on sucks and that the bar needs a change.
Then the moment of truth. Their music comes on! They enjoy it, yet seem to be in the same exact spirits as they were when the music/bar sucked. Now they need some females to talk to. This proves to be a tougher task than the group as a whole thought. They don’t realize they have turned themselves into a spectacle of the worst kind. Their friend who was hitting on the young lady earlier, has already left, so now they are stuck. Its too late, there is no turning back now! There is only one thing left to do to save the night, punch the next male that gives them a bad look.
The next time you are in a bar on a Thursday night and a group of young men walk in wearing dress pants and button downs, and they all have the same haircut, sit back and observe. Don’t forget to tell me how right I am.
