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During the past 2 weeks I have changed my life
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Ignoring the fact that it’s the most over-hyped night of the year, can someone explain to me why otherwise classy people feel it’s ok to decorate as if Party City threw up in their apartment?
Grinding
What the fuck is going on over there? Have I just wandered into 17-and-under night at my local Midwestern dance club? Will glowsticks be distributed later? Are we all going to go sit on the hood of your station wagon outside the Tasti-Freez and secretly touch each other under blankets? No? OK, then why the fuck are you simulating anal sex in the middle of this dance floor as if it were 1996 and you were at Greentown Middle School’s annual D.A.R.E. dance? You do not look sexy, heavily sweating, puffy-faced bro—you look like a limp dick personified. And, you, trixie with your amble bosom spilling over the crest of your going-out top—don’t you feel the least bit objectified? You look like confused sumo wrestlers. Or mating bovine creatures. And now, unfortunately, I know exactly what you would look like were you to have sex—an image that will not be eradicated from my cerebrum anytime soon. Jesus, if you want to dry hump, at least have the decency to do it where no one will see you—you know, like off in the shadows of McCarren or in the privacy of your own plywood loft room.
(Photo)
Hammer meets head of nail.
So stop asking.
I like Jersey Shore as much as the next guy but this is insane… Considering what the show is and the fact that a girl already got a full blown punch in the face on national television, I am not sure what this show can do in order to jump the shark. What can me more ridiculous.
Oh and attention all “Guidos” out there. Just because I think these people on MTV are funny and fun to watch, please stay of the the bridges, stay out of the tunnels and don’t come visit. There are enough freaks walking around without you juiced up douchebags, who look like you pissed on an electical outlet toting around a dumb, drunk, whore with comically large fake tits. Grazie.
Stop squeezing grindcore bands in between singer-songwriters. Reggae and screamo back to back? Bad idea. It’s bad for the bands and it’s bad for business. Manhattan clubs, I’m looking at you.
I know you’re just trying to get heads in the door and all you care about is how many people a particular bands draw, but if the show makes sense, people will stay, you’ll sell more drinks, and you’ll plant the seeds for a better show down the line. Let’s call it “sustainable promoting.” Fans are way more likely to pay $10 to see their friends band AND bands that sound like them, versus just their friends band who they’ve seen a hundred times.
Why do certain people think it’s ok to treat the office as if you were hanging out in your living room watching TV and just ripping ass? Seriously - to the person I’m talking about, go and get your colon checked out. That shit that I’m smelling cannot be good for you.
Here’s a shout out to the World’s biggest hater: Ben Bowens. Let him tell you how he really feels. To check out past Hate Reports click here. And to read about pure random hatred - click here to read his blog!
Soda/gatorade turns into cellulite. This is what I need on the way to work in the morning. This ad encourages people to stay healthy and lose weight by way of bulimia. Total vom.
In no particular order here are somethings I hate you, should hate too so that people will give them a rest. People seem to do these a lot while I am trying to get to my office or home from said office. If you do any of these I likely hate you.
People who don’t say thank you when I hold the door open for them. Self explanitory. I’m not your door man and you aren’t royalty.
People who stop at either the top or bottom of an escalator. Ok, I understand New Yorkers are a little harsh on people who stand still on sidewalks, but standing still when there is nowhere for anyone to get around you? Not excusable, if you are over the age of 4 you should know better.
People who eat loud. Fucking gross. Oh, and don’t you dare start licking your fingers.
Dudes who fight at the end of nights out. You are fooling noone. You are going to try and start a fight becuase you are insecure and you aren’t bringing anything home. Since you are even more insecure about going home alone, you feel the need to punch anyone you can in the face. Especially someone who did in fact find a girl to bring home when that kid is clearly more focused on this girl than he is on you.
Bouncers behind velvet ropes and the dumb women with clipboards. No thanks, I am not intersted in going anywhere like that. The only redeeming part is at some point, these people are going to go inside and have fun (or not) and you are still going to be standing outside in the cold. Sweet power trip, asshole.
